8 Zombie Apocalypse Survival Strategies (For Zombies)

#4. Romance

The longing to pair off with a kindred soul has lasted throughout human history, and there’s no reason to think it won’t survive the transition to inhuman history, even if the souls are no longer exactly present and everyone’s a bit stickier.

Mark Marek
With luck, your nose will be the first thing to rot off.

The biggest challenge with finding said soulless-mate will be the communication difficulties — “Blaaaaaaaargh” can mean both “I am for you, always” and “I have tremendous gas pain.” You’re also going to be cut off from the technological advantages today’s humans have, with their dating web sites and sexting and teledildonics. Instead, you’re going to be meeting most of your potential mates the old fashioned way — through social circles and peers. It will be more than a little bit like how they dated in pre-industrial days, so if you have the time prior to zombification, spend some time around Amish communities to get a feel for how that plays out. Don’t tell them what you’re there researching zombie life though — the Amish already have a poor impression of outsiders. Also don’t mention the teledildonics thing either — same deal.

Finally, because you never know when you’ll shuffle upon that special someone, make a point of keeping yourself presentable looking. Always try and keep some fresh blood on your shirtfront to make yourself look successful. Mind your posture, keeping it hunched and stiff looking. And tear your clothes strategically to reveal your most suggestively rotted bits.

Getty
Hot. Well, actually cold and clammy. But you get our meaning.

#3. Job Hunting

Even with civilization crumbling around you, remember that you are still part human. There is a deep and powerful selfishness built into your modified DNA, and it is probably inevitable that zombies will eventually get around to the business of business. In the later stages of a zombie apocalypse, you can expect the most dynamic and successful zombies will be gathering, hording and growing precious resources — building human farms essentially. The rich zombies will get richer, and if you can’t be one of them, you’ll want to at least be working for one of them.

Getty
“ZombCorp has a great health plan — your first two jaw replacements are free. And the glass eye copay is only half a frontal lobe.”

The job application and interview process will be pretty informal, and will probably consist of a short conversation and a grappling contest. Bringing a resume is advisable — but remember that the typical zombie resume will be very short, as your pre-zombie education and experience will be meaningless in this new world order. Focus on your quantifiable zombie-specific achievements — number of humans eaten, barricades demolished, malls sacked, that sort of thing. It will of course be impossible to write any of this down, but taking the effort to smear a bloody stump of a finger on a piece of paper will show you have professionalism, in the exact same way that it doesn’t currently do that at all in the human world.

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