8 Zombie Apocalypse Survival Strategies (For Zombies)

#6. Social Networking

Science has proven that zombies work better in teams and you’ll find your odds of making it in a dying world will be substantially improved if you form connections with your peers. Having friends around is useful for swarming, as well as for their ability to break your fall when you take a spill — you’ll be taking a lot of spills.

Mark Marek Photography
Zombified children have poor centers of balance and are an excellent way to bridge gaps in staircases or ford small bodies of water.

To find friends, attend places where there are likely to be other zombies — malls, deserted gas stations, cemeteries — and mingle. Don’t worry if you’re shy, or have confidence problems — you will have similar interests as these unpeople. Simply start a conversation politely by saying “Blaaarrragh.” Listen attentively and gauge the other zombie’s response — depending on whether they say, “Blaaaaaarrrgh,” or shuffle a bit to the left, you’ll be able to see whether this zombie wants to be a friend (both those actions indicate that yes, he does). Repeat as necessary until you are popular, or the hunger gets too much.

“Blaaaaaaaargh. (You guys want to do something, or just hang out?)”

#5. Self Defense

The natural enemy of the zombie is the human, and those little pink bastards haven’t made it to the top of the food chain for nothing. In the early days of a zombie breakout, most humans will be pretty soft and doughy, and pose no particular challenge. But as time passes, only the toughest, stringiest humans will remain — and they will be much more heavily armed. Not only will they be harder to chew, the more aggressive of them will begin fighting back.

Above: Considerably more difficult than Pizza Hut.

The most important tip is to travel in a group, as there is safety in numbers. When dealing with particularly ornery humans, try not to be the first zombie at the scene — these over achievers rarely make it through feeding time with their heads intact. Hanging back like this is technically abusing your friends’ trust in you, but it turns out that not having a soul makes this a lot easier to live with. Remember: a head is preferable to a soul.

That’s another thing — the head. For some sick, twisted reason, humans love attacking zombie heads, and you can expect them to take no end of perverse pleasure in aiming for yours. If at all possible, wear a helmet. Even something as simple as a colander can be enough to offer some protection — perhaps against someone armed with a slingshot, or some uncooked pasta.

The holes will also allow any of your head fluids to drain through.

But don’t get over-confident with a helmet in place, as humans are extremely adaptable, and will instead focus on your other weak spots. As noted zombie-defense experts the Wu-Tang Clan have observed, remember to protect ya’ neck as well.


One Response to “8 Zombie Apocalypse Survival Strategies (For Zombies)”

  1. Martha stewart is scary than a mofo. I would hate to run into her zombie after the apocalypse! Lol

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