5 Reasons You Want A Zombie Apocalypse


We mentioned that we miss the violence of the “killing animals with rocks” stage of our evolution, but there’s something else we haven’t quite gotten over: Life was simpler back then. As a result, we’re still really built for a routine of gathering food, protecting our huts from predators and having outdoor sex with the ladies.

Captain Caveman: A profound symbol of man’s innate evolutionary struggles.

There’s a reason all this modern multitasking has half of us swallowing anti-depressants or washing away our pain with bottle after bottle of liquor. An apocalypse of zombie proportions would be a throwback to that simpler time… but with one important difference mentioned above: You’re not in constant danger of starving.

There’s tons of places to barricade, lots of items for creating weapons and plenty of zombies to slaughter. And that’s it; those are your tasks for the day. Get sustenance, find shelter and slaughter zombies.

No homework, no term papers, no job search, no internship, no cubicle, no bills to pay. There will no longer be mail of any sort; paper or electronic. Identity theft will only happen if you die and come back as a zombie.

We think of teenagers as living and breathing texts and Facebook and Twitter, but it still buries them under the kind of rapid-fire multitasking humans just aren’t built for. Even building up a bunch of shows you can’t get around to watching on TiVO creates a kind of stress.

You get overwhelmed by how quickly everything stacks up. Answering 75 texts a day, responding to Facebook pokes, memorizing memes so you don’t get shamefully laughed out of 4chan… all that nonsense is gone the moment the undead rise. Nobody can text with their fingers bitten off.


4 Responses to “5 Reasons You Want A Zombie Apocalypse”

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